A. POSSIBLE CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES AFTER A LOSS
Supporting others
� Discussing and preparing for funeral (what to expect, people�s
reactions, what to do, what to say)
� Encouraging mutual support
� Discussing ways to copy with traumatic situations
� Discussing the stages of grief
� Encouraging students to keep a journal of events and of their
reactions, especially in an ongoing situation
Honoring the deceased
� Writing a eulogy
� Writing stories about the victim
� Placing a collection box in school for notes to the family
� Designing a yearbook page commemorating the deceased
� Composing and practicing a song in memory of the deceased
� Supporting a cause the deceased supported.
� Collecting and displaying memorabilia
� Planting a tree, building a sculpture or painting a mural
� Starting a new school activity such as a SAID unit if a child
was killed by a drunk driver
Learning activities
� Writing a reaction paper
� Discussing historical precedents about issues related to crisis
� Writing a �where I was when it happened� report
� Investigating laws governing similar incidents
� Conducting a mock trial if laws were broken
� Debating controversial issues
� Read books about loss
B. SAMPLE INFORMATION SHEET TO SHARE WITH PARENTS
Helping Your Child After a Disaster
Children may be especially upset and express feelings about the disaster.
These reactions are normal and usually will not last long. Listed below
are some problems you may see in your child:
� Excessive fear of darkness, separation, or being along;
� Clinging to parents, fear of strangers;
� Worry;
� Increase in immature behaviors;
� Not wanting to go to school;
� Changes in eating/sleeping behaviors;
� Increase in either aggressive behavior or shyness;
� Bed-wetting or thumb sucking;
� Persistent nightmares; and/or
� Headaches or other physical complaints.
The following will help your child:
� Talk with your child about his/her feelings about the disaster.
Share your feelings, too.
� Talk about what happened. Give your child information he/she
can understand.
� Reassure your child that you are safe and together. You may
need to repeat this reassurance often.
� Hold and touch your child often.
� Spend extra time with your child at bedtime.
� Allow your child to mourn or grieve over a lost toy, a lost
blanket, a lost home.
� If you feel your child is having problems at school, talk to
his/her teacher so you can work together to help your child.
Please reread this sheet from time to time in the coming months. Usually
a child�s emotional response to a disaster will not last long, but some
problems may be present or recur for many months afterward. Your
community mental health center is staffed by professionals skilled in talking
with people experiencing disaster-related problems.
C. WHEN A STUDENT DIES: GUIDELINES FOR CLASSROOM DISCUSSION
1. Review the facts and dispel rumors.
2. Share your own reactions with the class and encourage students to express their reactions in a way appropriate for them, noting that people react in many ways and that is okay. Possible discussion: What was it like for you when you first heard the news?
3. Inform students of locations for grief support; reassure students that any adult in the building is available for support. Possible discussion: How can you students help each other through this?
4. Listen to what students have to say. It is important not to shut off discussion.
5. Talk with students about their concerns regarding �what to
say� to other bereaved
students and the family of the deceased. If applicable, share information
about the deceased�s culture (beliefs and ceremonies), which will help
students, understand and respond comfortably to the affected family.
Possible discussion question: If you were a member of (the student�s) family,
what do you think you would want at a time like this?
6. If the student died of an illness and it is appropriate to do so, discuss the illness. This is especially useful for younger children who may need to differentiate between the illness of the child who died and any medical problems of others the child knows.
7. If a suicide occurs, discuss facts and myths about suicide.
8. Allow students to discuss other losses they have experienced. Help them understand this loss often brings up past losses; this is a normal occurrence.
9. Encourage students to discuss their feelings with their parents/families.
Keep in Mind � A �regular� day may be too hard for grieving students.
Offer choices of activities.
D. WHEN A GRIEVING CLASSMATE RETURNS
First Words
� The classmate probably feels like he/she is from a different
planet when returning to school.
� There is very little you can say wrong, so talk to the classmate.
� At least say, �hello,� �welcome back,� �I�m glad to see you,�
or something similar.
� The brave might even say: �I missed you,� �I�m so sorry to
hear about your ______�s death.�
� Even braver friends might even make statements like �It must
be incredibly tough to have your ______ die.�
� Another option: write a brief note.
� If your classmate cries, that is okay; you did not cause the
grief and you can�t make the person feel worse. Offer comfort and a tissue.
Helping the Classmate Adjust to the Class
� Offer to provide past notes.
� Offer to provide notes for comparison for the next week or
so (your classmate�s attention span will probably vary for several weeks).
� Give the classmate your phone number to call if having problems
with homework.
� Ask your classmate if you can call to check on how homework
is going.
� Ask the teacher if you can be the student�s helper for a week.
� Offer to study together in person or over the phone; this might
help with both motivation (grieving students frequently do not feel like
doing school work) and with concentration.
Some Don�ts
� Don�t shun. Speak to the student.
� No cliché statements (e.g., �I know how you feel� when
nobody knows the unique relationship the classmate had with the deceased).
� Don�t expect the person to snap back into the �old self.�
� Don�t be surprised if classmate seems unaffected by the loss,
everybody has his/her own way of grieving.
� Don�t be afraid to ask appropriate questions about the deceased,
like �what did you and your ______ enjoy together?� (People never tire
of talking about the people they grieve).
� Just because the classmate may seem to be adjusting to school
again, don�t assume the grieving has stopped, nor the need for comfort
and friendship.
E. HELPING A GRIEVING FRIEND
First Steps
� If you learn of a grieving friend outside of school hours,
call and go over as quickly as you can, if possible; or at least call.
� If you learn of a grieving friend during school, try to see
the friend or send a note until you are able to talk.
� Your presence is all that is needed; if you wish to take a
flower or anything meaningful, that�s all right, too.
� Offer physical comfort
� Don�t be afraid to cry with your friend.
� Do not try to take away the pain from your grieving friend.
Communication
� Talk about the deceased person (grieving people really like
telling stories about the deceased, �Do you remember the time. . .�).
� No cliché statements (e.g., �He�s better off now since
he now has no pain�).
� Don�t be afraid you will upset your friend by asking or talking
about the deceased; they are already very upset and should be.
� Just sitting with your friend may be all that�s needed at times;
don�t be afraid of silence, the griever will most likely fill it talking
about the deceased.
� Offer suggestions only when advice is asked.
� Listen, no matter what the topic.
� Do not tell the griever to feel better since there are other
loved ones still alive.
� Call to check on.
Attending a Visitation at the Funeral Home or Attending a Funeral
� If you have not ever been to a funeral home or a funeral, expect
to feel nervous.
� Go with a friend or ask a parent to accompany you, if you wish.
� If this is the first time you�ve seen the grieving friend,
simply offer your condolences; just saying, �I am so sorry about _____�s
death� will open a conversation, or simply point out something special
to you about the deceased.
� If the visitation or funeral is open casket, view the physical
remains if you want; you do not have to.
Later Involvement
� Ask your grieving friend to go places, do activities together
(it�s all right if he/she initially resists).
� If invitations are turned down, keep inviting.
� Call to check on and talk to.
� Continue to talk about the deceased from time to time.
F. HELPING GRIEVING PARENTS
This information should be helpful when interacting with the parents of a deceased friend. Always respect the wishes of grieving parents. These suggestions must fit the parents� needs and requests.
First Steps
� In the vast majority of cases the parents very much want to
see the friends of their deceased child; they find it comforting.
� If you were a close friend of the deceased and you know the
parents, then go visit them at their home.
� If you were a friend but had not met the parents (yet they
know who you are), you might still visit the home.
� Other friends might wait until the visitation, such as held
at a funeral home, or wait until the funeral.
� Regardless of the depth of your relationship with the parents
let them hear from you either by a call or a note.
Communication
� When you visit, do not worry about what to say; your presence
is all that is needed. If you wish to take a flower or anything meaningful,
that�s all right, too.
� Don�t be afraid you will upset the parents by asking or talking
about the deceased; they are already upset.
� Don�t be afraid to cry with the parents.
� Just sitting with the parents may be all that�s needed at times;
don�t be afraid of silence, the parents will most likely fill the silence
talking about their deceased child.
� Offer physical comfort.
� Listen, no matter what the topic.
� If you were a really close friend, the parents might be pleased
for you to even visit the deceased friend�s room.
� Ask what you can do for them; ask other relatives what you
might do to help.
� Do not try to take away the pain from the grieving parents.
� No cliché statements (e.g., �he�s better off now since
he now has no pain�).
� Talk about the deceased person (grieving people really like
telling stories about the deceased, �do you remember the time...�).
� Offer suggestions only when advice is asked.
� Do not tell the parents to feel better since there are other
children and loved ones still alive.
Attending a Visitation at a Funeral Home or Attending a Funeral
� Expect to feel nervous when going to a funeral home or a funeral.
� Go with a friend or ask a parent to accompany you.
� If this is the first time you�ve seen the parents, simply offer
your condolences; just say, �I am so sorry about ______�s death� probably
will open a conversation; or maybe better, simply point out something special
to you about the deceased.
� If the visitation or funeral is open casket, view the physical
remains if you want; you do not have to.
Later Involvement
� After the funeral, continue to visit the parents; they probably
will continue to want to see the friends of their deceased child.
� Call to check on and talk to.
� Continue to talk about their deceased child from time to time.
G. WHEN YOUR TEACHER HAS SOMEONE DIE
Feelings
� Expect you and your classmates to experience different feelings,
ranging from shock, sadness, vulnerability (�this could happen to me or
someone I know�), to detach or nothing. All are okay.
� Some in your class may even laugh because they are nervous
hearing or talking about grief and death. This may be their way of handling
it, so don�t become angry.
� Don�t be surprised to catch yourself asking how this might
affect you, your grades, or your relationship with your teacher.
� It�s okay to think about other people who have died.
What To Do
� Talk with somebody (a friend or parent) about what has happened.
This helps make the situation seem more real and keeps you from holding
everything in.
� Try to get the courage to communicate with your teacher.
Communicating With Your Grieving Teacher
� Your teacher probably has a lot to do and cannot take calls
from students.
� Send a card (buy or make)
� Write a note (and you don�t have to have fancy stationery).
� Just write �I�m sorry� or �I�m thinking about you� or �I hope
you are okay.�
� Others may write more, even share their own experiences with
grief. One student even composed a poem!
� There is nothing you can say that could make your grieving
teacher feel worse.
� You are not going to remind a grieving person that he/she has
had somebody die.
� Your teacher may never throw your card/note away, that�s how
important your communication will be. Your parents probably still have
notes they�ve received.
Flowers and Donations
� They are not necessary.
� If you really want to do something, maybe you and some friends
could pitch in together. Or maybe the class wants to do something as a
group. It just takes one person to organize this.
What If You See Your Teacher Out in the Community
� If you see your teacher at the grocery store, a part of you
will want to hide. How will that make your teacher feel?
� Speak to your teacher! You don�t have to say much. �How are
you doing?� or �We miss you at school� is enough.
What About Funerals and Memorial Services
� You have to respect the wishes of grieving people.
� Some teachers may welcome students. Others may not feel ready
to cope with you yet. Some may feel uncomfortable with you around and their
being �out of control.� We have to understand and respect their needs.
� Sometimes there is no chance to talk with the family. Other
times you can�t leave the building without doing so.
� If given the opportunity, speak. Again, just say, �I�m sorry�
or something brief. Have your first several words chosen to lessen your
fear.
Visitation at a Funeral Home
� If students are invited, go but take someone with you.
� Unless you have lots of experiences with visitation, you are
going to feel scared and weird.
� If you go, speak simply as described above.
When Your Grieving Teacher Returns
A. Getting Ready
� Plan some type of
simple welcome back signal from the class to your grieving teacher. Consider:
� A card signed by all the class;
� A small banner from �second period�; or
� Some flowers from a parent�s yard, if in season; or a small, inexpensive
bouquet
� If you have not
communicated with your teacher, it�s not too late to have a note ready
just from you. It could be waiting in the teacher�s mailbox on his/her
return to school.
� Realize that the
same teacher who left will return. Your teacher may initially seem a little
distant or preoccupied but this should not last too long.
� Your teacher may
have very poor concentration for a while after returning to work. He/she
might repeat things. You may have to repeat your questions.
� Do not expect tests
and homework to be returned as quickly as before; poor concentration, low
motivation, and fatigue are typical grief reactions.
B. On the Big Day
� Expect to feel nervous.
Your teacher will feel the same way.
� Your teacher also
will probably feel like he/she is from a different planet.
� A part of you will
say to sneak into the classroom without being seen. You might even justify
these feelings by not wanting to upset your teacher. How would
your teacher feel if no one spoke? How would you feel if you had been away
from school for a while and no one spoke to you when you returned?
� When you first see
your teacher, at least say something simple, like, �Welcome back.�
� The class also could
even let a very brave volunteer speak for the class to formally welcome
your teacher back. Or the volunteer could present the card.
� Show your good behavior;
use your best listening skills. Help your teacher out; it will be a tough
day. Smile!
� Some teachers will
return quickly to teaching; others will discuss their grief. There is no
single right way
C. What If Your Teacher Cries?
� You do not have
to do anything but be patient.
� Your class could
have a brave volunteer designated to offer comfort by saying something
simple, such as, �We�re supporting you.�
� The student closest
to the tissue box should take the box to the teacher. This shows the class
cares and says it�s okay to cry.
� At the end of class
students might individually offer brief words of comfort or encouragement
(�it�s okay to get upset� or �I�m glad you are back�).
� Your teacher may
be embarrassed by crying, but crying can be very helpful.
� If your teacher
is having a really bad day, let your guidance counselor or other staff
member know.
H. SOME THINGS THAT CAN BE HELPFUL FOR CRISIS TEAM MEMBERS AND OTHER SCHOOL STAFF
� Take time to relax and do things you find pleasant. Getting
away for a few hours with close friends can be helpful.
� Stick with your regular routine for a while; avoid making changes,
even if it appears to be a positive change.
� Get regular exercise or participate in a regular sport; activity
soothes anxiety and helps you relax.
� Keep your days as simple as possible; avoid taking on any additional
responsibilities or new projects.
� Tap sources of assistance with your workload � have students,
instructional assistants, or volunteers help grade papers, take care of
copying, or help with other
time-consuming tasks.
� If symptoms of stress persist beyond a few weeks or are severe,
seek professional help.